Bill Maher on The Huffington Post

Daniel Kurtzman: 2008's Most Laughable Political Antics

2008-12-27T20:39:35Z

In a year when everyone was looking for a bailout, politicians did more for political comedy than any other industry. We had governors gone rogue, reverends gone wild, shoe-throwers, imaginary snipers and, of course, everyone's favorite mavericky, Prada-wearing hockey mom. As a salute to those who made this the funniest year since, well, last year, here's a look back at 2008's most memorable feats and foibles, in words and glorious video:

Worst photo op: Sarah Palin's turkey pardoning fiasco -- a.k.a. "wattlegate" -- in which she pardoned a turkey at a farm in Wasilla, and then gave an interview while other turkeys were shoved into a cone of death and slaughtered in the background. As David Letterman joked, she can see Russia, but she can't see what's going on five feet behind her:

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/z-kjM1asH-8&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/z-kjM1asH-8&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

Least likely to be invited for a sleepover in the Obama White House: Rev. Jesse Jackson, who was caught on an open mic talking about pitching Obama's voice an octave higher, in a manner of speaking. Jackson was taking offense at Obama's suggestion that African-Americans needed to take more responsibility for things like fatherhood and being responsible husbands. To which Jay Leno quipped, "Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child."

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4aLGkFpsdHo&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4aLGkFpsdHo&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

Best typo: In a story about potential vice presidential picks, the AP referred to Joe Lieberman as "the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000."

Shortest fuse: John's McCain's brother, Joe McCain, who called 911 to complain about being stuck in traffic. When the dispatcher asked if that was seriously why he was calling an emergency hotline, Joe the Hothead cursed him out and hung up. We might have never known about the incident, except when the dispatcher called the cell phone back, he got this message: "Hi, this is Joe McCain. I can't take this message now because I am involved in a very important family political project." And to think, he came within 8.5 million votes of becoming the next Roger Clinton:

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_Y6_s3O5Bj0&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_Y6_s3O5Bj0&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

Worst exit strategy: John Edwards, who, upon being confronted by a National Enquirer reporter at the Beverly Hills Hilton after paying a late-night visit to his former mistress and her child, did what any self-respecting ex-Senator and presidential aspirant with nothing to hide would do. He fled into a bathroom and tried to hold the door shut. Edwards later admitted to the affair, but denied fathering her child. Or, as the humor site Fark reported it: "John Edwards: Billie Jean IS my lover, but the kid is not my son."

Best moment of Palinfreude: The prank call Palin received from a Canadian comedy duo, who convinced her she was talking to President Nicolas Sarkozy of France. Palin didn't pick up on any of the hints that the conversation was a joke, even when the faux Frenchman said, "From my 'ouse, I can see Belgium," or when he complimented her on the documentary about her life, Hustler's "Nailin' Palin." "Ohh, good, thank you, yes," she replied:

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/QbEwKcs-7Hc&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/QbEwKcs-7Hc&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

Worst attempt to woo the Fox News demographic: Barack Obama, who was heard at a San Francisco fund-raiser saying that small-town voters are "bitter" and "cling to guns or religion." The remark was so offensive to armed churchgoers, they didn't know whether to turn the other cheek or lock and load.

Most notorious member of the Hypocrites' V.I.P. Club: Former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York, who rose to power as a sanctimonious crusader against ethics violations and corruption, but didn't let that get in the way of his taste for high-priced hookers. As Attorney General, Spitzer had famously busted prostitution rings, apparently so he could keep them all for himself. Spitzer was forced to resign after being outed as Client No. 9 at the Emperor's V.I.P. Club. Jay Leno was confused: "He's the governor -- who were the eight guys in front of him? You'd think as governor, you'd at least get to go first."

Worst con artist: Joe the Plumber, who John McCain called his "role model," even though it turned out he didn't have a plumber's license, was unemployed, had cheated on his taxes, and his name wasn't even Joe. As Jimmy Kimmel put it, "He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing."

Best reflexes: President Bush, who dodged two shoes hurled at him by an Iraqi journalist with a dexterity that conjured comparisons to Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. Although, as David Letterman noted, "Too bad he didn't react that way with bin Laden or Katrina, bin Laden or the mortgage crisis, bin Laden or Afghanistan, bin Laden or the Lehman Brothers":

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mBOHycAlJxw&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mBOHycAlJxw&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

Most courageous under imaginary fire: Hillary Clinton, whose account of dodging sniper fire after landing in Bosnia was debunked when video footage showed her being greeted on the tarmac not by gun shots, but by a young girl's poetry reading. "If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage," quipped Bill Maher.

Biggest wardrobe malfunction: Palin's $150,000 shopping spree, for which she was reimbursed with an endless barrage of jokes, like this one from Letterman: "The difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick, Prada shoes, a Gucci handbag, and a few $3,000 suits."

Biggest talking-point malfunction: Obama's run-in with Joe the Plumber, in which he gave a shout-out to Karl Marx by saying, "I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody." Off in the distance, his Teleprompter wept.

Best use of expletives: Gov. Rod Blagojevich of Illinois, who, while allegedly trying to sell Obama's Senate seat, was recorded saying, "I've got this thing and it's [bleeping] golden," "I'm just not giving it up for [bleeping] nothing," and "Give this [bleep] Obama his senator? [Bleep] him. For nothing. [Bleep] him.'" Better still, a day before his arrest, the Governor invited authorities to tape his phone calls, huffing, "I can tell you that whatever I say is always lawful." Not to mention bleeping insane.

Best use of a Viking Grill, a vibrating Shiatsu massage lounger, and $250,000 in other gifts: Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska, who became the nation's highest-ranking convicted felon after lying on Senate financial disclosure forms. Naturally, Stevens received a 56-second-long standing ovation after delivering his farewell speech to the Senate, which, as Rachel Maddow of MSNBC noted, worked out to "eight seconds of heartfelt standing applause for each of his felony convictions."

Most brutal Palin insult: It was humiliating enough when McCain aides called Palin a "diva" and a "whack job," while accusing her of "going rogue," throwing temper tantrums, and not knowing that Africa was a continent. But the most devastating sound bite came from a McCain aide who described her shopping spree as "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast."

Best attempt to win imaginary delegates: Barack Obama, who said at an Oregon campaign stop, "I've now been in 57 states -- I think one left to go."

Best train wreck: The Sarah Palin-Katie Couric interview, which featured one laughable gaffe after the next, including Palin's failure to think of any Supreme Court decisions other than Roe v. Wade ...

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/DRuBdW0yBUY&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/DRuBdW0yBUY&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

... her failure to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads other than "all of 'em, any of 'em" ...

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xRkWebP2Q0Y&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xRkWebP2Q0Y&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

... and her claim to foreign policy expertise because Vladimir Putin likes to rear his head and fly over Alaskan airspace. It teetered on such self-parody that all Tina Fey had to do on Saturday Night Live was repeat parts of Palin's answers verbatim, gosh darnit, and also there too, you betcha!

data="http://widgets.nbc.com/o/4727a250e66f9723/49527db0b90028a7/4741e3c5156499a7/7890d4f2/-cpid/e95ff968e932095a"
id="W4727a250e66f972349527db0b90028a7" width="384" height="283"> value="http://widgets.nbc.com/o/4727a250e66f9723/49527db0b90028a7/4741e3c5156499a7/7890d4f2/-cpid/e95ff968e932095a"
/> value="all" />

Worst campaign surrogate: Bill Clinton, who had to be muzzled during the Democratic primaries after playing the race card and the patriot card against Obama, growling and snapping at reporters, and saying unfortunate things like, "The country is groaning and moaning and screaming for change." As Jay Leno joked, like a lot of women in Washington, Hillary soon realized she had slept with Bill Clinton for nothing.

Cheapest campaign stunt: John McCain, who "suspended" his campaign to go save the economy, said the presidential debate had to be canceled, flew to Washington, screwed up the bailout deal, then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate, even though there was no deal. "Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes," quipped Bill Maher.

Best smackdown following a cheap campaign stunt: When McCain told Letterman he was canceling his appearance on the show because he had to fly to Washington, and then showed up instead for an interview with Katie Couric, Letterman mocked him mercilessly. "Hey John!" Letterman shouted as he aired the live CBS feed of the interview for his audience. "I've got a question: You need a lift to the airport?" It got even uglier for McCain, with Letterman saying: "This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody's putting something in his Metamucil":

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XjkCrfylq-E&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XjkCrfylq-E&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

Least likely to prevail at a sanity hearing: Obama's former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who burned up YouTube with his fiery rants imploring God to damn America for perpetrating genocide against chickens that came home to roost on 9/11 (or something like that). Despite being widely disparaged as a crackpot, Wright said he received over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out -- "all of them from Hillary Clinton," joked Jay Leno.

Creepiest Palin crush: Rich Lowry, National Review editor, who reacted to Palin's performance in the vice presidential debate thusly: "I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, 'Hey, I think she just winked at me.' And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America." Which left everyone wondering the same thing: When did National Review turn into Penthouse Forum?

Creepiest Obama crush: Chris Matthews of MSNBC, who said that while listening to Obama speak, "I felt this thrill going up my leg":

value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Uhnynk6XkkU&hl=en&fs=1"> name="allowFullScreen" value="true"> value="always"> src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Uhnynk6XkkU&hl=en&fs=1"
type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always"
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

Best evidence that the next four years may not be a total disaster for political comedy: While on the campaign trail, Joe Biden referred to his running mate as "Barack America"; implored a wheelchair-bound politician to "stand up"; recalled how Franklin Roosevelt addressed the nation on TV when the stock market crashed in 1929 (even though F.D.R. wasn't president and few had even heard of TV at the time); and said Hillary Clinton would have made a better V.P. pick because she was more qualified than him. Thanks to Biden, comedians appear to be getting a stimulus package, too.

Best epitaph on the Bush years: In his parting words at his final G-8 Summit, President Bush ended a private meeting with world leaders by saying, "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." According to press reports, he then punched the air and grinned widely as the rest of those present looked on in shock. Who said he never had an exit strategy?

This piece originally appeared in the New York Times' Laugh Lines blog.

Daniel Kurtzman edits the Political Humor page of About.com, which is part of The New York Times Company. He is author of the books "How to Win a Fight With a Conservative" and "How to Win a Fight With a Liberal."
Read more: Election 2008 Coverage, Obama Gaffes, Mccain Gaffes, Humor, Mccain, Late Night Jokes, Obama, 2008 Election, Palin, Conan O'Brien, Politics, Barack Obama, Jay Leno, Political Humor, Sarah Palin, Jimmy Kimmel, Palin Gaffes, John McCain, Year in Review, Bill Maher, David Letterman, Government Bailout, Political Comedy, Bailout, Comedy, George Bush, George W. Bush, Eliot Spitzer, 2008, Viral Video, Tina Fey Sarah Palin, Katie Couric, John Edwards, Biden Gaffes, Bill Clinton, Bush, Sarah Palin Katie Couric, Jesse Jackson, Jeremiah Wright, Joe Biden, Bush Shoe Throw, Rod Blagojevich, Joe the Plumber, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin Turkey Pardon, Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey, Best of 2008, Politics News, Political Antics, Political Satire, Video, Most Laughable Political Antics, 2008 New Year, 2008 Political Scandals, Political Scandals, Lists, Politics News

Danny Groner: Making the Most of Iconoclasts

2008-11-25T12:23:28Z
One possible reason why magazines have moved away from long form celebrity profiles is the increased access we have to our celebrities. Celebrities of all sorts are more available than ever to media outlets on television and the Internet, keeping them permanently in the public eye. Their perceived "downtime" shrinks with every generation of new celebrities. The need for long magazine spreads about them has dissipated.

Our fascination with celebrities hasn't, though. We're now finding new ways to deliver the information. For many celebrities, writing books has given them the medium to express who they are, how they wish to be viewed, and the message they want to impart to the public. And they're given a podium, too, at book events to plug the books. I have found more often than not at these events that the celebrities, when given the opportunity, speak freely about what the book means to them, personally.

Most recently, I heard Kenneth Cole speak about his new book, "Awearness," and what went into the book. At the event, I learned about the designer's humanitarian side. He's spent decades raising funds and awareness for AIDS research, and this book lists ways that others can be equally inspired to make a difference in the world.

Cole is using his celebrity status to change the lives of others. He's famous for his fashion line, but defines himself through his work for public service. At this event, I discovered another side to the man.

Sundance's "Iconoclasts" aims to explore celebrities in hopes of changing perceptions and curbing assumptions. It's a show pegged with the tagline, "Change the Way You See Celebrity." I watched several episodes, hoping to find out that more celebrities were dedicated to solving the world's problems in the same vein as Cole. The show brings together intriguing pairings and profiles them. But where the show comes up short is in its structure which feels a lot more like "Blind Date" than it does the Independent Film Channel's provocative series "Dinner for Five."

The difference, I believe, is in the format and the content of the shows. "Iconoclasts"' format is bare, by design. It pairs the two celebrities together and asks them to find their common ground. Although the duo often does achieve this goal, the conversation for the most part is dry, mundane and artificial. It's difficult for the two to establish any sort of chemistry in such a short period of time as one meeting. The conversation therefore doesn't generally elicit emotions or provoke new ideas or perspectives in either party. As a result, the celebrities don't wind up going home at the end of the day profoundly changed or impacted from meeting their counterparts. They had just another interesting day.

"Dinner for Five," on the other hand, succeeded because of its structure and its depth. Jon Favreau would moderate discussion with four other celebrities about the state and nature of their industries, who inspires them, and their professional and personal ambitions. Conversation depended squarely on Favreau making connections between the different guests and guiding them down common paths of mutual interest, thought and reflection. The moderator made this show such a success. Without Favreau at the helm, the show would have only been four strangers sitting around and having dinner together. What's interesting about that?

But structured as a panel with one, ongoing conversation, celebrities can shine. When they are focused on one particular point of discussion, they can contribute. "Iconoclasts" is a bit more ambitious. The show wonders what these celebrities don't know or about what they might wish to learn more. There is hardly a script, no moderator, and a camera rolling to capture it all. Even the awkward moments. The hope is that, through introducing them to people outside their normal sphere, celebrities will be challenged and inspired.

When asked about how he can run a company with such obvious humanitarian goals attached to it, Kenneth Cole said that for him there's no separation between his designer self and his humanitarian self. He sees himself as one entity, whether he's performing social justice or coming out with a new line of leather jackets.

"Iconoclasts" might be better off following this lead. The celebrities featured on the show tend to appear out of their element. For the most part, they look unsure what they're supposed to talk or ask about next. And we wind up watching two strangers sit nervously and uncomfortably next to each other in the backseat of a car while film rolls.
Read more: Reality TV, Independent Film Channel, Magazines, Real Time With Bill Maher, Jon Favreau, Dinner for Five, Celebrity Magazines, Blind Date, Kenneth Cole, Bill Maher, Sundance Channel, Iconoclasts, Entertainment News

Joseph Minton Amann and Tom Breuer: Media Drunk Tank: Dreaming of a Black Christmas

2008-11-25T10:51:30Z

Read more: The View, Michael Savage Racist, Fox and Friends, Religulous, Michael Savage Crazy, Sherri Shepard, Bill Maher Sherri Shepard, Gretchen Carlson, The War on Christmas, Fox News, The View Bill Maher, Michael Savage, Fox News War on Christmas, Bill Maher, Brian Kilmeade, 236.Com, Media News

Shannyn Moore: Keith Olbermann Broke Up with Me

2008-11-19T04:14:43Z

Like it's not bad enough. I've been hearing loons talk about secession up here my whole life. In Alaska, the three top ballot seats: President, Senate and House of Representatives, have candidates on the ballot from the secessionist Alaska Independent Party. In two of the three, the AIP holds at least 4% of the vote. The felonious Ted Stevens looks like he has convinced over a hundred thousand Alaskans what he couldn't convince 12 jurors of a few weeks ago.

Now, Keith Olbermann has the temerity to ask if it's too late to sell Alaska back to the Russians. Repeatedly. America's liberal boy-wonder is breaking up with me. He's not the only one suggesting putting Alaska up on eBay, but I can only handle one break up at a time. Consider this partner counseling; the circle of truth; the trust tree.*

I'm like many Alaskans, just not the one you've been forced to get to know lately. I know what newspapers I read. I know Africa is NOT a country. I know Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister of Canada, and I know he has T.V. perfect hair. I know who makes up NAFTA - which I thought was a crock when it passed. My favorite birthday present this year was the return of Habeas Corpus in a 5-4 US Supreme Court decision on June 12^th.

I've never been to New York City, but I wanted to puke in my mouth watching the Republican National Convention's "9/11 Tribute to Fear." I wasn't born in the 60's, but I know what race baiting is. I know the public executions of JFK, Malcolm X, MLK, and RFK-all in a five year span-drove the American progressive movement into a coma for nearly 40 years. A once empowered, liberal generation sat like Terry Schiavo watching balloons float by; Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I, Bush II. Wars, the corporate job-exporting economy, the perilous environment, expanded human rights violations, erosion of civil rights, The US Constitution compromised; none of it registered due to blunt force trauma on the American psyche.

Barack Obama's voice blends many of those faint martyred messages cut short; human rights, hope, justice, peace, change. His inspirational urgency moved a generation politically paralyzed to stand up again. New generations learned to walk, on their own power, to change their futures. This promise is precarious. People my mother's age hold their breath, pray he is safe, and bravely look forward from a painful past. I know, it takes one lone crazy, living in the apartment over his grandma's garage; walls covered with "Pin-up Palin" shots who doesn't need much more than a wink, a "pallin' around with terrorists", and her silence while "supporters" answered "terrorist!" and "kill him!" to her question of "Who is Barack Obama?" Even now, she's still talking about "associations."

I was born here, Sarah Palin was not. I don't have a fabricated "Fargo" accent that sounds like I make casseroles with tater tots and mushroom soup. Many brilliant, artistic, articulate and cultured citizens call Alaska home. On November 4^th, you got to shake your shoes of our Governor. You sleep easier now. Gone are the train wreck fantasies that kept you up at night; a 3am phone call and she, a heart beat away from the "nukular" codes. You now invest casual interest as you would a People magazine while waiting for dental work. BUT, SHE'S BACK HERE AND READY TO RULE!

Progressive Alaskans have a target on their backs for speaking out about her archaic philosophies and faith-based policies. January's 2009 Legislative Session may see a bill allowing the aerial hunting of the exotic, but endangered species; "Alaskan Liberal." I have a public creed of "painting a red state blue, one stroke at a time," and you're dumping me, Keith? Really?

Many suffer from PTSD-Post Traumatic Sarah Disorder. It comes with a long list of political collateral damage and shrapnel wounds. The McCain-Palin campaign sent Belmont level horsepower to Alaska to throw the Governor's "enemies" under the Straight Talk Express Bus. NYC would have spit; Alaska gagged and swallowed.

This afternoon, the AP just called Alaska's Senate race for Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich. But for two weeks, it looked like we elected a felon. Ted Stevens has been a senator since before I was born. People here are torn between nostalgia and history. No matter where you travel in-state, you bump into establishments named after him; The Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport; Ted Stevens Marine Research Institute; Ted and Catherine Stevens Center for Science and Technology Education and the Stevens Family Chalet at the Hilltop Ski Area in Anchorage. Many can't imagine Alaska without him, but I can!

I can imagine Ted making license plates wearing an orange jumpsuit! My friend, Phil, says Stevens' punishment should be overseeing the re-naming of all his institutional namesakes. I'm a recovering commercial fisherman, and I know he sold us out. His confirmation of "conservative" judges paved the way for the recent Baker vs. Exxon case that robbed many Alaskan fishermen of damages incurred by the 1989 Valdez Oil Spill. The R.A.T.S. (Roberts, Alito, Thomas, and Scalia) saw fit to cap the award at ten cents on the dollar after 19 years. Translation to Exxon: four days profit for environmental terrorism-the cost of doing business. Translation to Alaskans: F*@# YOU! Bend over, we're driving.

The only thing Uncle Ted liked better than the Patriot Act was the Military Commissions Act. His "Incredible Hulk" tie trumped the Constitution more than once. I broke up with him a long time ago. Do I seem bitter?

Mark Begich is Senate seat-worthy. I begged him to run for higher office when he was a weekly guest on my local radio show. I called him the "Fairy-God Mayor" for making many of my municipal dreams come true. During one of our weekly chats, I asked the Mayor what he liked on his pizza. (I have a secret theory people order up their life like they do pizza.) He said, "Oh, just put it all on there. If I don't like something, I'll pick it off." I loved that answer; low maintenance and not afraid to try it all. (BTW, according to my theory, if you don't like pizza you may need some hotline help.)

Part of wanting Mark to run for higher office was nostalgia for his father's brilliant political career tragically cut short. Congressman Nick Begich was lost in a plane crash with Louisiana Congressman Hale Boggs in October of 1972. A few weeks later, though presumed dead, Congressman Begich beat his challenger Don Young by 12.4%. A special election was then called which Don Young won. He still holds the seat today.

Truth be told, I wanted a Begich to take the seat back from Don Young, who squandered it. Seeing Mark Begich take the Senate seat has more historic healing for many old time Alaskans than seeing Stevens retain it.

Not to get too "professor" on you, Keith (think hair up, glasses, short skirt, high heels. Oh wait, never mind!) I want you to know what you're ready to cut loose.

First Alaskans thrived in a frozen land for thousands of years and left no foot print. In 1867, Russia gave you a hell of a deal at 1.9 cents an acre. The Klondike Gold Rush was a quick pay back, and gave Charlie Chaplin some great material.

The last shot of the Civil War was fired by the CSS Shenandoah on June 23, 1865, 10 weeks after Lee's surrender. Go figure, it was in Alaskan waters and CSN Captain, James Waddell hadn't heard the War was over. That was awkward.

Homesteading pioneers farmed, fished and flourished. In 1922, a Tlingit Chief, Charlie Jones was jailed for voting. His protest gave way to Native Alaskans getting the right to vote two years before Native Americans. In 1944, years before the civil rights movement in the States, Roberta Schenck, a Native woman refused to budge from her seat in the "White's Only" section of a movie theatre in Nome. She was dragged out and jailed. Schenck was Alaska's Rosa Parks. Because of her bravery and the moving testimony of Elizabeth Peratrovich, on Feb. 16, 1945, Territorial Governor Ernest Gruening signed an anti-discrimination law. Against the argument that the law would not eliminate discrimination, Peratrovich said, "Do your laws against larceny and even murder eliminate those crimes?"

We decriminalized abortion before Roe vs. Wade. Our privacy laws are the strongest in the country. A man told me he moved here after studying the Alaska Constitution at law school; it could have been Section 22 that allowed Alaskans the right to possess marijuana.

During WWII the Japanese occupied the Alaska islands of Kiska and Attu for almost two years. Because of the harsh conditions endured, frost bite became worthy of a Purple Heart. 1958, the Inupiat Village of Point Hope protested the nuclear detonation of Project Chariot to create a port on the North Slope. As a "thank you," the Federal Government transported and buried the contamination from the 1962 Nevada Test Site to the Chariot location. Cancer rates among villagers are staggering. Where's Erin Brockovich when we need her? In 1988, Homer, Alaska voted to officially become a "Nuclear Free Zone" in response to proposed nuclear subs. That same town -- my home town -- 20 years later, had the only known "spontaneous" Obama headquarters in the country. You're welcome, Keith.

Alaska is one of the best things about America. We are the last frontier. What once was wild in America still is here. I still catch my breath; the northern lights over Denali can trump a full moon; a phosphorescent glow in the wake of my row boat; bears fishing salmon out of Brooks Falls; glaciers bigger than cruise ships.

It's wrong to be hard on you for not knowing Alaskans aren't all Palinbots. After the last week or so, it would be fair to wonder if we suffer from Reality Deficit Disorder when it comes to Ted Stevens and the Rule of Law. It's easy to want to knock sense into my neighbors who have ignored our history; so rich with strength, true with characters, and patriotism that deserves to be called American.

The progressive history of Alaska is buried under the "new" wave of oil workers and rapture watchers. McChurches promise to Super Size your Jesus. They haven't noticed the miracle of "curing a gay guy" wasn't mentioned in the works of Christ. Sarah Palin cut the red ribbon and the prayer asked God's blessing on "all those who enter" the Wasilla Wal-Mart. I hope God does bless those who work there; they'll need it since they have no health benefits.

Women with "the bigger the hair the closer to God" up-do, line up to live the American dream of buying flag lapel pins and sequined "I Heart America" t-shirts made by un-aborted children in China. They punctuate their purchase with a personalized credit card owned by a company in Abu Dhabi. Men drive by in the newest "Ford Compensator 350", towing a trailer loaded with ATVs. Rush Limbaugh blaring when the Lee Greenwood CD gets too teary; something about "Where at least I know I'm free." Yellow ribbon magnets claim to support the troops; the same troops who are fighting to make sure the gallon of gas moving him all of 9.4 miles, stays cheaper than a latte.

I too, through my elitist patriotic lens, mock them. I realize how easy it has been to see a regressive, fundamentalist, socially-crippled Alaska. I get it, the jokes have written themselves; in Braille, smoke signals, etch-a-sketch. Alaska has issues galore; who doesn't? Are you going to break up with Kentucky as well?

So, Mr. Olbermann and others (you know who you are, Bill Maher), before you break up with Alaska, let's have a reality check. The known examples of Alaskan Spirit have vaporized in the wake of the "Great White Shopper from the North." I hate to think "That Woman" would come between us. But the truth is, we are what America used to be. We are the Oregon Train with iPods. We are Lewis and Clark with hybrid snowmachines. We are Sacagawea with a Garmin. We are Yellowstone on steroids. We are Davy Crockett with a helicopter. (OK, I've gone too far.)

Not to play the blame game, but in the spirit of transparency you only get in therapy*, the colonization of your 49^th State by Global Enterprise has gone largely unnoticed. Again, not your fault, Northern Exposure was filmed in Washington State. We could use some help fighting to insure the wild Salmon runs of Bristol Bay stay pristine against the Pebble Mine. Your aid would be appreciated in keeping our wolves and bears safe from aerial "hunting." And were your voices lifted with ours in a message to Exxon, maybe our fishermen would have been able to maintain their industry despite an environmental disaster.

Keith. I can call you Keith, right? It would be easier to hear your rejection if you hadn't kept many Alaskans sane with your "You, Sir" rants. Bill Maher's New Rules encourage me to write my own. Chris Matthews exhausts me with explanation, but I get it. Rachel Maddow is still talking to us...she's strangely fascinated. But you -- Sir -- are singled out as chief dumper. It's only fair. I was getting ready to go to Anchorage's Election Central, when I heard your voice break slightly; Barack Obama was the projected 44^th President of the United States. I realized I'd held my breath for 8 years. I cried; in relief, in triumph, for hope, for healing, for history. I felt American.

"You, Sir" took many politically battered, Alaskans; your American brothers and sisters through a keyhole in time. Since then, "You, Sir" keep on the queries of how to dump Alaska every time Sarah Palin stumbles. "You, Sir" should kick Russia's ass if they even look cross at us. (Well, talk to them first...then get our back.) "You, Sir" are joking, and to an extent, so am I.

We should make up. I'd like that.

We need your help, your respect and maybe some flowers.

*think: Will Farrell's therapy scene in Old School.

Read more: Break Up, Alaska, Ted Stevens, Senate Race, Mark Begich, Keith Olbermann, Shannyn Moore, Sarah Palin, Rejection, Alaska Politics, Bill Maher, Media News

Michael DeJong: Green Week

2008-11-18T13:40:17Z
Green Week for NBC-Universal-Bravo launches with green themed programming. Their website - www.greenisuniversal.com - invites individuals to "Green Your Routine" by taking on simple environmentally sound actions until they become a habit.

Their "Green Your Routine" feature offers easy, practical and economical ways to become green just by changing routines to alter the individual impact we each have on the environment.

Simple stuff like supplying your own reusable tote bags when shopping for groceries, drinking from a ceramic coffee mug at home and at the office, using reusable water bottles instead of the disposable single-use variety, walking, riding a bike or carpooling to destinations, printing on both sides of the page, turning the water off while brushing your teeth, taking shorter showers as opposed to long and wasteful luxurious baths, unplugging computers at night... the ideas are only limited to the scope of your imagination.

The 'Green Your Routine' campaign features tips and suggestions from celebs like Julia Benz, Coolio, Ann Curry, Dana Delany, Tom Hanks, Jane Krakoswki, Bill Maher, Howie Mandel, Christopher Meloni, Debra Messing, Moby, Denis Quaid, Al Roker, Brook Shields, Tori Spelling, Meredith Viera, and Brian Williams - among others - talking about the way that they walk the walk.

Perhaps by "Greening Your Routine' we'll reclaim the environment, put big business in its place and make it safe again not just for our children, loved ones and pets, but for everything that climbs and crawls, flies or swims. Think of it as a way of being one with the Universe on a daily basis, and doing your part to make the world a safer, cleaner, more beautiful place.

[For the sake of full disclosure, I write as "Mr. Green" for the "Ask Mr. Green" column on the NBC-Universal-BRAVO eco-web site, www.GreenIsUniversal.com.]

Read more: Moby, Green Your Routine, Ann Curry, Howie Mandel, Tori Spelling, Denis Quaid, Jane Krakoswki, Al Roker, Julia Benz, Brian Williams, Meredith Viera, Tom Hanks, NBC Universal, Christopher Meloni, Bravo TV, Dana Delany, Environment, Brook Shields, Debra Messing, Bill Maher, Coolio, Green News

Tina Dupuy: The Obama Administration vs. Political Comedy

2008-11-18T13:14:30Z
Is political comedy in trouble? Will there be no funny in the future with an Obama administration? Is Barack Obama bad for comedy?

Disregard all the non-comedians' fears that Saturday Night Live will go the way of Circuit City. Ignore all the yammers about how Barack Obama is bad for the professionally funny. Forget them all. These are the same prognosticators who said irony was dead after 9/11. Yes, they said that. The terrorists killed irony. Try even saying that without utilizing sarcasm.

"Where's the funny in Barack Obama?", asked the Canadian Press on November 9th. Politico asked the day after the election, "Can 'The Daily Show' survive Barack Obama?" Gawker called the Obama presidency a "Crisis of Comedy".

So Barack Obama, about to be the most powerful man on the face of the planet, just wiped out all human stupidity? There's the joke right there.

George W. Bush was bad for comedy. First, he hated dissent. Dubya said that the terrorists on 9/11 were cowards. Bill Maher, noting it was absurd to say that flying yourself into a building was cowardly, said so on television. Maher was fired from single digit channels for pointing that out. Banned to pay cable for eternity. Bush's then press secretary, Ari Fleischer, told the nation they needed to watch what they say. And people took note - they started watching what they said. Was that good for comedy?

Ron Suskind's piece in Esquire had a chilling disclosure of the way Bush operates:

According to senior administration officials who learned of the encounter soon after it happened, President Bush looked at the man. "I don't ever want to hear you use those words in my presence again," he said.
"What words, Mr. President?"
"Bad policy," President Bush said. "If I decide to do it, by definition it's good policy. I thought you got that."
The adviser was dismissed. The meeting was over.

Questioning Bush was banned within his inner circle and anywhere else it popped up. His dissenters were taken down. Former Ambassador Joseph Wilson wrote an op/ed questioning Bush's statement in the 2003 State of the Union Address about Iraq's desire to purchase yellow cake uranium in Africa. Then as a repercussion his wife Valerie Plame was outed as a CIA spy by longtime Karl Rove crony Bob Novack. And thus ended her career. They went after an op/ed author's wife? Was that good for comedy?

There was a notion among people in the United States that no matter how dumb Bush appeared to be - he was the only one who was going to keep us secure so criticizing him was an affront to our safety. I was touring the country as a stand up during the first Bush term. It was not good for comedy. Bush jokes were not welcomed. Not just in the red states - but in general. He was what everyone was going to the comedy show to escape: the know-nothing boss with your livelihood hanging in the balance of his incompetence.

But it was the fumbling of Hurricane Katrina that broke the levee of criticism. It was just shortly after Bush's narrow re-election and suddenly ineptitude and cronyism looked like a bad thing. Then it was over. Bush's number's never recovered. Congress was lost to the liberals and Bush was a punchline. Every dumb thing he said was a gem. The whole country was waking up from a stupid stupor. And they wanted Bush jokes and they got them. Late night television, comedy clubs, blogs - bathroom stalls - they were everywhere. Bush was good for comedy for a couple minutes but then he still had three and a half whole years left in office.

Two years after Katrina, George Bush became akin to airline food and Viagra jokes: cliche and overdone. But we were given a gift - the longest presidential campaign in history. A full two years of Bush-free (the Democrats) and Bush-lite (the Republicans). Think of all the Kucinich and Mormon jokes we had. Fred Thompson! Remember Fred Thompson ran for president? His whole campaign was like Darth Vadar sleeping through his alarm, "Wake up Darth! There are millions of voices crying out in terror that could be suddenly silenced - but you have to wake up!" Tom Tancredo ran for president after saying we should bomb Mecca. Nice foreign policy dude! These guys were gold. There was a candidate named Huckabee, a governor from Arkansas that lived in a triple wide trailer when the governor's mansion was under construction. Gold!

Currently, as I write this, Bush jokes are stale. Most of the country has forgotten he's still in power. Last April, I was at a book conference and one of the speakers without realizing it referred to Bush as 'our former president'. That's nine months before his term in the White House expired. He's not good for comedy.

Comedy - or at least political satire - speaks truth to power. It's much better when that power isn't tapping your phone without a warrant and suspending habeas corpus.

The Bill of Rights: Good for Comedy.

So relax, don't believe the hype - political comedy won't suffer under an Obama Administration. The question is: Will an Obama Administration suffer under political comedy. That'll test mettle.

Read more: Valerie Plame, Political Comedy, Karl Rove, Bob Novack, Barack Obama, Satire, Obama's Cabinet, Ari Fleischer, George W. Bush, Comedy, Bill Maher, Media News

Bill Maher's "Religulous" Out Of Oscar Contention

2008-11-18T08:40:45Z
Bill Maher's documentary exploring religion, "Religulous," is out of Oscar contention after being left out of the final 15 list released by the Academy in the Best Documentary category.

Other notable snubs: "Dear Zachary," "Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson" and "Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired."

Instead, the final 15 are:

"At the Death House Door"
"The Betrayal (Nerakhoon)"
"Blessed Is the Match: The Life and Death of Hannah Senesh"
"Encounters at the End of the World"
"Fuel"
"The Garden"
"Glass: A Portrait of Philip in Twelve Parts"
"I.O.U.S.A."
"In a Dream"
"Made in America"
"Man on Wire"
"Pray the Devil Back to Hell"
"Standard Operating Procedure"
"They Killed Sister Dorothy"
"Trouble the Water"

The film was directed by Larry Charles and has made almost $13 million on a budget of just $2.5 million since its October 1 release.

Read more: Oscars, Bill Maher, The Oscars, Religulous, Award Season, Entertainment News

Arianna Huffington: Guest Hosting for Rachel Maddow Tonight: the Lineup is Coming Together

2008-11-17T01:59:13Z
Thank you for all of your great suggestions for tonight's Rachel Maddow show, which I'll be guest hosting. They've been incredible and, as you can see from the emerging lineup, we're listening: Google CEO Eric Schmidt will join me to discuss the ways Obama can harness the Internet to make his administration more effective. Bill Maher will discuss the day's top stories. Newark mayor Cory Booker will weigh in on the impact the economic crisis is having on America's inner cities. And FiveThirtyEight.com's Nate Silver will crunch the latest numbers in the still-pending Senate races. Click here for some real time video of me behind-the-scenes at the show -- and be sure to tune in tonight at 9 pm on MSNBC.
Read more: Bill Maher, Msnbc, Cory Booker, Nate Silver, fivethirtyeight.com, Arianna on Rachel Maddow, Rachel Maddow, Eric Schmidt, Rachel Maddow MSNBC, Rachel Maddow Show, Media News

Bill Maher: New Rule: Move On

2008-11-12T13:14:50Z

Read more: Bill Maher, Bill Maher New Rule, Election Day, Barack Obama, New Rule Video, Old People, Old People Voting, Bill Maher Video, 236.Com, Voting, New Rule, Politics News

Mitchell Bard: How Nice Is It to Finally Have a Smart President?

2008-11-11T17:06:30Z
The week that has passed since Election Day has been a blur. There was worldwide joy over Barack Obama's victory. There were also many words of caution that if Obama and the Democrats didn't play their cards right, things could turn ugly very quickly (some guy named Mitchell Bard wrote such an article the day after the election).

But now, with some time having passed, my ability to focus is slowly returning to normal. The first realization that has emerged through my election-induced fog has been: What a nice change it will be to have a president who is smart and cares about competence. See, no matter what happens in the future, whether the Obama presidency is a roaring success or gets stymied in enacting its goals, we will still be able to point to our president and say, "Yeah, we elected a really bright guy." Which is a huge improvement over the last eight years, when we had to look at our president and say, with a groan, "Did he just say that? Is he back on the bottle?"

For me, the first jolt was Obama's press conference on Friday (you can watch it and read the transcript here). As I watched, I smiled at finally being able to see a president speak with knowledge, intelligence, subtlety and depth of thought. Again, regardless of political ideology, whether you think Obama's policies are exactly what America needs to get back on track or a one-way ticket to disaster, Obama's intellect is what you would hope for in a president, especially after eight years of a "decider" mangling the English language (not to mention every issue he tackled).

The press conference offered many moments that made me happy. Obama's well publicized answer to a question about the family's impending puppy acquisition was funny and illuminating, and his tone and thoughts on the problems facing the country were of a level we haven't seen since the Bush brood took over the White House.

But one passage of his introduction stood out to me as a great example of how nice it is to have someone with intelligence in charge. Obama discussed aid to the automobile industry in a way that not only demonstrated a command of the issue, but that also showed the tact and skill to be absolutely clear on his position without being unduly harsh on those who would disagree. And, of course, in doing so, he made it far more likely that he could actually get something accomplished. Obama said:

"I would like to see the administration do everything it can to accelerate the retooling assistance that Congress has already enacted. In addition, I have made it a high priority for my transition team to work on additional policy options to help the auto industry adjust, weather the financial crisis, and succeed in producing fuel-efficient cars here in the United States of America."

Translation: We're not throwing money away on loans and grants to an industry that is stuck in the past -- aid that will only prolong an inevitable death -- but if the industry wants to modernize and change course to be a positive force as part of a forward-thinking energy plan, then we absolutely will help. In an nutshell, there is money for modernization and retooling, but none to maintain the status quo.

In style and substance, it was the perfect statement. The auto industry is a tricky problem to take on. Politically, Democrats have to be supportive or risk votes in what has been an increasingly reliable blue state. And the industry is responsible for providing millions of jobs at a time when unemployment is on the rise. At the same time, high oil prices, increasing oil demand, and foreign policy and environmental concerns have conspired to place urgency behind finding alternatives to oil as an energy source, something the auto industry has not been willing to address. And the American car-makers have been on a long, slow slide for some time now, with its executives unwilling or unable to do anything to reverse the tide.

Obama handled this complicated, contentious and difficult problem in a graceful and effective way. Republicans who accuse Obama of being beholden to traditional liberal special interests (like unions) can't say he was toeing anyone's line in this case. But at the same time, those on the left who demand energy reform will have to be behind this kind of initiative, even if it rankles the union constituency. And Obama delivered his stance with a positivity that looked to find a solution, not to call out an industry that has failed miserably in adjusting to the new realities of world energy production and consumption (a future that has been inevitable for decades).

I was so impressed with how Obama handled the issue, and I was even more impressed that he brought it up himself, rather than wait for a question from the press.

Quite a change from Bush's simplistic pronouncements like, "They hate us for our freedom," no?

And it's not just Obama, but the people who surround him. The new anti-anti-intellectual wave (yes, I meant to write that) that Obama is carrying with him to Washington was apparent as I watched his transition team member and long-time friend Valerie Jarrett on Meet the Press on Sunday (you can read the transcript of the show here). Tom Brokaw, knowing that many viewers didn't know much about Jarrett, began the interview with a quick "Meet the Press version of a baseball card" of her. The mini bio noted that she graduated from Stanford University and the University of Michigan Law School (and her daughter is at Harvard Law School), worked as a deputy chief of staff for the mayor of Chicago, and currently serves as the CEO of a real estate development company.

As I watched Jarrett speak with knowledge and insight on the Obama family, the transition, and potential members of the new administration, I was struck by the difference between the people Obama has surrounded himself with and the parade of unqualified and under-educated cronies and ideologues that made up the Bush administration. I immediately flashed back to Bill Maher's "new rule" in April 2007 about the importance of competence, and how Bush's anti-intellectual, political, competence-disdaining approach to staffing was epitomized by Monica Goodling, who was the number three person at the Justice Department before she resigned as part of the U.S. Attorney scandal. As Maher pointed out, Goodling was 33 and had no prosecutorial experience, even though she was charged with overseeing the performance of the more than 90 U.S. Attorneys around the country (who, in turn, managed thousands of lawyers under them). It seems Goodling's qualification for the job was that she attended Pat Robertson's law school, Regent University School of Law, which is ranked in the last tier of schools in the U.S. News and World Report rankings. Maher reported that 150 Regent graduates were hired by the Bush administration.

Goodling was emblematic of Bush's sea of crony appointees. There were so many embarrassing appointments, but these three jump out at me: He put Michael Brown, the judges and stewards commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association, in charge of FEMA, with disastrous results after Hurricane Katrina; he tried to appoint his buddy Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, even though she was a commercial litigator with a law degree from Southern Methodist University (nothing to be ashamed of, but not a resume for a Supreme Court justice); and he placed the overmatched political lackey Alberto Gonzales in charge of the Justice Department, resulting in the least independent, most politicized Justice Department in modern history.

And now, here was Jarrett, on top of her game, and the contrast was unmistakable. And the qualifications of the numerous names kicked around for cabinet posts in an Obama administration were equally impressive when weighed against Bush's choices.

George Monbiot wrote an article in the U.K. paper the Guardian last week that sought to explain why the U.S. has such an anti-intellectual streak to its politics, despite producing some of the greatest universities and research institutions in the world. When I read the article for the first time this morning, it crystallized all that had made me angry about the Bush presidency, and it helped accentuate what a breath of fresh air listening to Obama has been in comparison.

For the last eight years, I have bemoaned the growing idea in the United States that presidential candidates can be "too smart." I was sickened by the idea that the electorate seemed to demand mediocrity as a way of ensuring that a president could understand its concerns. As I wrote after the vice-presidential debate, I don't want a president who is "just like me," I want someone better. Watching Barack Obama this week, it occurred to me that, just maybe, America has decided to value intelligence over relatability, and competence over fear mongering. And that makes me very happy, no matter what the upcoming months and years hold for the new president.
Read more: President-Elect Barack Obama, Michael Brown, Valerie Jarrett, Bill Maher, Harriet Miers, US Auto Industry, Monica Goodling, Obama Press Conference, Anti-Intellectualism, George Monbiot, George W. Bush, Oil, Alberto Gonzales, Barack Obama, President Obama, Politics News

Carol Hoenig: Ignorance No Longer An Excuse

2008-11-08T18:34:46Z
In his run for presidency and her run as his sidekick, Senator John McCain and Governor Sarah Palin liked to take jabs at then Senator Barack Obama's eloquent speeches, as if talking intelligently meant being an outsider. They tried to use it as a red herring in reaching out to the "commoners" so that they wouldn't see the lack of substance in McCain's campaign. It was as though they wanted Americans to embrace their ignorance. Fortunately, ignorance lost on Tuesday.

Bill Maher spoke about ignorant Americans on his show last night without apology. I couldn't agree more, but before anyone takes umbrage, the first definition in my dictionary for the word ignorant is "lacking knowledge." With that in mind, most of us are ignorant about something. Yet, when that something is as important as the welfare of our country, we must work to gain knowledge so that we know the difference between manipulation and truth telling. The thing is, this becomes very difficult when most Americans get their "news" from pundits who have their own agenda. When these pundits are given a platform, many listeners assume what they say must be accurate: Obama wasn't patriotic because he didn't don an American flag pin. Obama hung out with terrorists. Obama was a Muslim. And this is where ignorance was obvious since many believed that being a Muslim was equal to being a terrorist.

So, yes, ignorance abounds. But whose fault is it? Making education a priority is a start in order to combat that lack of knowledge. Students need to be inspired to learn about the world so that they know that Africa is a continent and not a country. Somehow Sarah Palin missed that geography lesson. She also seemed to miss out on how to communicate with grace and dignity since in defending herself following McCain's and her loss, she referred to her campaign aides as "jerks." Finger pointing aside when it comes to that expensive wardrobe and those numerous missteps, what is glaring here is that the United States was not being put first in the selection of Sarah Palin as McCain's VP pick. Those campaign aides may indeed be jerks, but more seriously, if they knew how unprepared Palin was to be not only the VP, but a heartbeat away from being the president, they are devious manipulators purposely having kept the American public ignorant. But it cannot just be the campaign aides' fault that we are ignorant.

Even though it has been hijacked for quite some time now, in spite of the numerous cable "news" channels, the media also has much responsibility. Americans have to work extremely hard to get an unbiased report. And most Americans are too tired after a long day's work trying to pay the bills to have to sort out just who is telling the truth. Besides, these hard-working Americans sometimes just want to be entertained when they can finally collapse in front of the television. Often the pundits who spew opinions as though their words were truth fill that need to stay in touch with what's going on in the country while providing that entertainment. Unfortunately, that is much of the problem. However, I now have reason to believe that the welcome change will cross many different avenues while pundits' accusations will need to be proven and politics will no longer be run by secretive and self-serving politicians, starting with the presidency. If President-elect Obama remains true to his word, we will be in this together, which means that we have been given a responsibility to be less ignorant and gain the knowledge needed to move forward so that we are the United States of America.

Read more: President-Elect Barack Obama, Politics, Ignorance, John McCain, Knowledge, Pundits, United States, Sarah Palin, Bill Maher, Africa, Continent, Politics News

Erica Heller: How Do I Thank Thee, Sarah Palin?

2008-11-08T11:08:51Z
(With profound apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How do I thank thee for running, Sarah Palin? Let me count the ways.

I thank thee to the depth and breadth and height my Democratic, Obama-loving, unemployed soul can reach, still exhausted mightily from the interminable weeks of horrific suspense, waiting to find out if what we were witnessing was a monumental comedy or a catastrophic, world-ending horror-movie.

For letting Katie Couric peel back the layers early on and show that "There is no there there." For not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is or being able to name any Supreme Court cases. (For a second there, I really thought you might say: "Howzabout 'Stop In the Name of Love?'")

For winking during the debate as if twin 747s had flown into your eyes.

For not believing in evolution, for being as narrow-minded and mean-spirited as Scrooge on Christmas, for assuming that all American IQs were no higher than your shoe size, for thinking you could do a Houdini with shockingly expensive couturier fashions, for making the great Joe Biden, a distinguished, solid, national treasure, look and seem even more treasurable.

For honestly believing that real life in our great land had become just one big reality show and that overnight, without benefit of wisdom, knowledge, intellect, experience, ethics, conscience or the merest trace of substance, you wouldn't get voted off the island, could/would dance better than anyone else or be selected the next American Idol rather than the next American Midol.

Oh, how I thank you now for running, Sarah Palin. My mirth is bottomless!

I thank you for Ted Stevens, for thinking you could run the Senate, for defiantly refusing to show us your medical records, for thinking you could somehow look cool on SNL, for providing exquisite fodder for Keith, Rachel, Jon, Bill Maher, Richard Lewis and other mondo-brilliant minds everywhere who managed to spin your transparent mendacity and fomented hatred into gold, as we all watched and waited, breathless, astonished, that you, so unworthy and unfit, even came close. That you were ever even picked and taken half-seriously, you who wouldn't know NAFTA from NAMBLA, didn't know that Africa is a continent and not a country, allowed yourself to be pranked by a couple of impish and astute Canadian comedians, and probably thinks your next check-up is with Diet Dr. Pepper.

What a lesson it's been. America is great enough, free enough, to let someone like you run. But also smart enough to let you lose.

So, I thank thee for running, Sarah Palin, and for helping us last Tuesday to dodge the surreal, existential and yes, perhaps the greatest historical bullet of our lifetime. (As has, no doubt, our pre-natal paragon, Levi "Shootin' Shit" Johnston.)

Now, if only those poor Alaskan wolves could be so lucky.

Read more: Comedy, Humor, Alaska, Election, Politics, Sarah Palin, Tv, 2008 Election, Jon Stewart, Rachel Maddow, Richard Lewis, Keith Olbermann, Bill Maher, Joe Biden, Nafta, Katie Couric, American Idol, Politics News